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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 568 (some duplicates have been removed)
stephen] ies and gentlemen. righ hank you so much,vybody. [cheers and applause] folks, please -- welcome -- welcome, ladies and gentlemen, in here out there to tonight's information uplink. thank you for joining us, folks. folks, when i'm right, i'm right. and when i'm wrong, i'm often right, too. but when i'm wrong and i'm wrong, i'm big enough to change my opinion. [ laughter ] case in point, i'm no fan of the french. [ laughter ] yeah, they gave us that statue, but it turned green as soon as we put it up. [ laughter ] and i don't have to tell you what a money pit louisiana's turned out to be. jefferson should have gotten a gift receipt for that thing. [ laughter ] i have always seen the french as truffle-huffing surrender monkeys. [ laughter ] but it turns out they're actually truffle-huffing surrender monkeys with family values. jim? >> hundreds of thousands of people opposing same sex marriage rallied on the streets of paris today. france's president is pushing a plan to legalize same-sex marriage and adoptions. ♪ ♪ mama mia >> stephen: just to be clear, in france the people wit
] >> stephen: boom! thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report begun everybody. thank you for joining us. [crowd chanting stephen] what are you going to do with these people? good for you. sit down, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks -- folks -- we've got a great show tonight. please, we've got to get to it. [cheers and applause] i understand the excitement because we've got a great show for you tonight. my guest is dustin hoffman, director of the new movie "quintet" about 4 retired opera stars, and in his film debut their friend buddy, who accompanies them on the spoons. [ laughter ] but first, i'm still reeling from yesterday's inauguration disaster. [ laughter ] first off, where was security? the secret service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. [ laughter ] enjoy -- [ laughter ] enjoy gitmo, malia. [ laughter ] and the more i think about, the less impressed i am with obama's speech. and it's not just me. it's everyone on fox news. [ laughter ] >> the president made the case for big gove
's nobody like him. he's a winner and people really >> stephen: tonight, the historic second inaugural of vice-president biden. then, america gets the flu. the ratings for "the price is right" have never been higher. and i'll discuss obama's second term with editor for the atlantic, ta-nehisi coates. which one of us will be black? the answer may surprise you. [ laughter ] atari filed for bankruptcy today but they're thinking about just taking it out, blowing on it, and seeing if it'll work again. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music captioning sponsored by comedy central playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. [chowd chanting see it fen] thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to tonight's simulcast. good to have you with us. [ laughter ] folks, as a broadcaster, it's my sacred responsibility to bring you the latest information that i watched on some other cable tv network. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] but frankly, today there was no real news to report. instead everbody was obsessed w
] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. thank you. thank you. [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen -- [cheers and applause] oh, nothing can stop us now. [ laughter ] welcome to the broadcast presented to you tonight in full color. [ laughter ] good to have you with us. folks, once again, the big news comes from washington-- an ongoing scandal threatens to engulf barack obama's second term. >> big questions for beyonce. >> was beyonce singing live or just acting the national anthem? >> late today showbiz tonight confirmed that beyonce lip- synced that incredible rendition of the national anthem. >> there is so much going on regarding beyoncegate. >> anthemgate. >> beyoncegate. >> the latest on beyonce's lip gate. >> stephen: yes lip-gate. beyonce-gate. the crisis in lip-ya. beyonc-gazi. was there a second singer on the grassy knowles? [ laughter ] we're still working on it. we have a graphics package and everything eventually. [ laughter ] folks, if beyonce lip-synced at obama's inaugural, do
to know what i'm on. what am i on? i'm on my bike busting my ass six hours a >> stephen: tonight harsh punishment for big banks. that slap on the wrist could knock off their cuff links. how toll keep the spark in your marriage? try a date night or any dried fruit really. and my guest tom brokaw is here to talk about president obama's second term. i'll ask him if there's any way to avoid a third. [ laughter ] a shop is charging a fee for liberal customers. that has to sting for utah's liberal. this is stephen colbert. ["the colbert report" theme music captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the broadcast. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. please. good to have you with us. as you can see, folks i'm on top of the world today. [ laughter ] because of the study i read that forcing a smile genuinely makes you happier. i have to say, this study makes sense. that joker guy seems really chipper. [ laughter ] this is great news. i'm just so sad i didn't know it before. all right. all right. let's
by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, do states have to follow federal law? only if it starts with "simon says." bailiff lf. [ laughter ] then, what's the latest news in the war on terror? the answer is redacted. [ laughter ] and my guest george saunders wrote what the new york times called "the best book you'll read this year." joke's on them, i'm not reading any books this year. [ laughter ] eating lunch earlier can help you lose weight. that's why i always eat tomorrow's lunch tonight. [ laughter ] captioning sponsored by comedy central this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the broadcast, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen b.c. [ thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] thank so much. please, nation, heros sit down. welcome to the broadcast, coming to you, as always, in bone-jostling sensurround! [ laughter ] a lot of technology. [ laughter ] nation, for years i've been warning you about iran. they're almost as big a threa
glass roof. >> go head. it worked in [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, is america >> gun control. is america finally ready. aim fire! [ laughter ] then, america's troubling new food addiction. and my guest neal shubin is a paleontologist who found a missing link between sea and land creatures. du,-aquaman. 2012 of the hottest year on record. we think. the record burst into flames. this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen [ welcome to the broadcast. good to have you with us. please. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, i have a great responsibility with this show. i am a national taste-maker. when i endorse a product on my show, it takes off. you're welcome "the candwich." [ laughter ] sandwich in the can. it's the future. [ laughter ] now, i try to never use that power for evil or for free. [ laughter ] so tonight i want to tell you about an exciting new real estate opportunity. it's a walled and armed community of up to 7000 famil
] [cheers and applause] [chowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. sit down. we will tom cot report. good to have you with us. sorry to keep you waiting, folks. i was just down in my underground bunker, making preparations. it's best that i don't divulge too many details because [whispering] i'm starting to suspect this place is loaded with microphones and cameras. [ laughter ] folks, but down in the bunker, i'm ready for that dark tomorrow when jack-booted government thugs come for our guns. that's where the ghillie suit comes in. let's say the government busts in here looking to arrest me because i'm a gun owner and haul me off to one of those jails where you can't bring your gun. [ laughter ] oh, they have 'em. they already have them set up, okay? the minute they bust down that door, i just do this. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] "hey, where's colbert? >> he's not here. just a pile of grass clippings on his desk. perfectly normal. and i'm home free. you're going to want to get one of these, and not just because it's slimming. [ laughter ] no,
to know what i'm on. what am i on? i'm on my bike busting my ass six hours a [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a shirtless fugitive is found in florida by swinging a dead cat. [ laughter ] then i profile an exciting new technology. i hope it's an iphone that tells you when to get in line for the new iphone. [ laughter ] and, my guest jared diamond has a new book about what we can learn from traditional societies. if it's how to hang a gourd off your penis, i got that one covered. [ laughter ] a shipment of 18 human heads showed up at o'hare international airport, when i clearly said i was flying to omaha. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining tonight's broadcast. thank you so much. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. in here, out there, folks, you can feel the energy in this room tonight because there's one story rocking this nation. a bombshell dropped by my hero, lance armstro
of zen >> boehner told reed to go f himself twice >> to perform up>> stephen: tona avoids a financial crisis. in a related story, congress would like to talk to you about the benefits of amway. [ laughter ] then bill o'reilly under attack from the p.c. police. instead of "pinheads and patriots," from now it's patriots and differently skulled americans. [ laughter ] my guest jimmy wales is the driving force behind wikipedia. big deal, so is everyone else. [ laughter ] it's 2013, suck it mayans. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. everybody, welcome to the broadcast. good to have you with us. nation, i am back! [cheers and applause] now, i haven't sat at this desk for 24 days. that is 576 hours or two viewings of les miserables. by the way, for the record i think javert is getting a raw deal here. he's just a cop doing his job. jean valjean is a crimi
by >> stephen: tonight, science finds the key to a long, healthy life. whatever it is, i bet it tastes good fried. [ laughter ] then, controversy over the new bin laden film. they shouldn't have let him do his own singing. [ laughter ] and my guest, chris kluwe, is an nfl punter and gay rights advocate. wow, pretty brave for an nfl player to admit he's a punter. [ laughter ] jimmy kimmel starts in his new 11:35 time slot tonight. but since he's my direct competition, i refuse to mention him. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, folks. i have to thank you for that and i want to thank you for joining me in here, out there nation, we all know the economy's not in great shape. just today the dow dropped fifty five-- of whatever it is. [ laughter ] dow-lers. [ laughter ] so i was glad to hear that one of my investments
by comedy central ( theme song playing ) [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for the amount of energy you put into that chanting given the fact that you've done it before. welcome to hour two of the broadcast. nation, you know, i do this show for one reason and one reason only, to look out for you. as we speak there's a massive corporate conspiracy to rip you off that the president has been strangely silent on. fortunately one brave news organization tackled it head on. "the new york post". today their front page blew the lid off the scandal honey, they shrunk the foot long. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] black and white. turns out that the subway foot-long is sometimes 11 inches. we've been $5 foot wronged. come on! 12 inches is 12 inches. i know it's cold out but that's no excuse. [ laughter ] now -- now we know how jared lost all that weight. [ laughter ] he starved to death. [ laughter ] folks this is an enormous breach o
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 568 (some duplicates have been removed)